My life threatened to end its course much to many times.
Frustrating because i became that victim. Disgusted, that's how i felt for so long. Guilty, for allowing the worst to take charge of my so called life.
I remember before the abuse, my life took on a rebellious but so fun filled adventurous lifestyle. I lived as it was my last w/ faith all to God.
Problems? I knew they weren't my treasure.
Countless acquaintances, All did me wrong, but i never took revenge nor malfunction to their suggested feelings of calling it quits. Sure i was always taken advantage, but i took care of one i came to contact with. In the end even if the true meaning of love never existed for which was tested, friendship remains to want fellowship w/ me. I sucked at being unforgiving, i felt the good was always good even when it was at its worst.
Friends, what can i say? they wer my foundation.
In my own conduct, i tried to always be a friend, and so it is true friends still remains. =)
Family.. well, i was grateful, always. I was just not as close and as forgiving to my parents as i should've been. I felt @ 17 my rebellious being should take control. I guess my parents expecting me to always show them the perfect grades, going to church, staying home, doing chores etc. didn't really give them that authenticity of love that i wanted back from them, instead i cut myself off, of being the child like they saw growing. I was finally on my own sense.
People usually regret, some don't because it becomes a cycle of their bettered life, to some it's the other way around.
I'm not sure what i call my tragic event.
I don't want to re-live the scene, but it still hurts. I lost a battle w/ the devil and i let him ruin me.
Having to meet my husband have been truly a blessing. For a momment, the haunting event cleared through my psyche. But then i realize it was never gone. At times i failed so much to enjoy my life that death was the easiest way out. Always i would feel, the need to be in peace, rather than having people i care about deal w/ the painful memories i could never delete. For the first time in my life i learned to expand the usage of HATE and to practice the UNFORGIVING person. I hated everything good and wanted everything bad to just be there. That cattegory belonged to me, to always felt guilty, to always experience only the worst because i didn't want to understand and continue my life knowing my past. But even when the episodes returned so quickly, much many times, my husband never forsake me, nor leave me @ my side. Insane moments creep to me, but he never stopped trying, never stopped caring and never stopped loving me unconditionally even as i lay these thoughts.
Maybe searching the old me should end soon, but a part of me still yearns. I'm still in battle but know i'll win because this time i got my husband and two kids fighting w/ me.
Every breath that i take, every momment i'm awake.
Lord have your way in me.
