It exist in my thoughts because all day I've been going back to the past and re-thinking about the decisions that led me to today.  I cried mostly.  Mostly because of relief of praise to God that I have this life.  The other part was grief for the life I kept trying to revive and never gained.  There is this complicated.

I would like to know romance even though "chivalry is dead".  I hear laughter, not from anyone but just a longing.  Something permanent, because I want to stop searching.  It hurts because even I cannot exemplify them.

a new year!

2008. A new year. I don’t really have a resolution, just want it permanent. Existing unconditional love and care for the kids, being a better mom, laugh more often and seriously to always and never stop gaining. (whenever that happens?!?!)

And for my husband, I wish for his safety.
I fear a lot of things, that he’s not here w/ me and kids, but I know God is always protecting him. Sometimes I feel it’s not fair that all we do is wait. Frustrated because at times, waiting seems it will come to never. Scared and loneliness fills me, hard to breathe at the thought. Why do we have to trail the years missing him for two Christmas, two new years, two valentines day, thanksgiving, our birthdays and our anniversary. So selfish in my thoughts, I can’t help.

To my husband:
You listen to all my pathetic vents, the leisure of solitary & stressful circulation, the courage to fears i’m uncertain to encounter and gives value to my existence. I’ll carry you with me perpetually, you & the kids are the beauty of my surroundings that stress out the unspoken truth sometimes left untold. I’m grateful that I pursued you to maintain, and is my greatest treasure in my heart. I know that at times I fail to demonstrate and construct to understand, I hide in pain the torture that beats me in so deeply with the silence I continuously portray. Failure for the unnoticed obstacles or difficulties you sail in, in my great wonder lay this self-centered heart that will forever atone for its nature. My heart will never set to bush from countless reiteration of cycles. The uneasiness in my mind dwells in knees while I ask God to shower me with good faith and kind heart to be always and forever grateful for our unity and our two kids. The father of my kids, my husband, my best friend, my hero.
I love you!

the growth

My life threatened to end its course much to many times.
Frustrating because i became that victim. Disgusted, that's how i felt for so long. Guilty, for allowing the worst to take charge of my so called life.

I remember before the abuse, my life took on a rebellious but so fun filled adventurous lifestyle. I lived as it was my last w/ faith all to God.
Problems? I knew they weren't my treasure.
Countless acquaintances, All did me wrong, but i never took revenge nor malfunction to their suggested feelings of calling it quits. Sure i was always taken advantage, but i took care of one i came to contact with. In the end even if the true meaning of love never existed for which was tested, friendship remains to want fellowship w/ me. I sucked at being unforgiving, i felt the good was always good even when it was at its worst.
Friends, what can i say? they wer my foundation.
In my own conduct, i tried to always be a friend, and so it is true friends still remains. =)

Family.. well, i was grateful, always. I was just not as close and as forgiving to my parents as i should've been. I felt @ 17 my rebellious being should take control. I guess my parents expecting me to always show them the perfect grades, going to church, staying home, doing chores etc. didn't really give them that authenticity of love that i wanted back from them, instead i cut myself off, of being the child like they saw growing. I was finally on my own sense.

People usually regret, some don't because it becomes a cycle of their bettered life, to some it's the other way around.
I'm not sure what i call my tragic event.
I don't want to re-live the scene, but it still hurts. I lost a battle w/ the devil and i let him ruin me.

Having to meet my husband have been truly a blessing. For a momment, the haunting event cleared through my psyche. But then i realize it was never gone. At times i failed so much to enjoy my life that death was the easiest way out. Always i would feel, the need to be in peace, rather than having people i care about deal w/ the painful memories i could never delete. For the first time in my life i learned to expand the usage of HATE and to practice the UNFORGIVING person. I hated everything good and wanted everything bad to just be there. That cattegory belonged to me, to always felt guilty, to always experience only the worst because i didn't want to understand and continue my life knowing my past. But even when the episodes returned so quickly, much many times, my husband never forsake me, nor leave me @ my side. Insane moments creep to me, but he never stopped trying, never stopped caring and never stopped loving me unconditionally even as i lay these thoughts.
Maybe searching the old me should end soon, but a part of me still yearns. I'm still in battle but know i'll win because this time i got my husband and two kids fighting w/ me.

Every breath that i take, every momment i'm awake.
Lord have your way in me.